Young children can make real friends without sharing a language. In the preschool years, friendships form mostly through play: running, building, pouring, pretending and laughing together. Words help, but they are not the entry ticket. Most international children begin with watching and playing alongside others, then join simple shared games, and gradually build friendships as their classroom languages grow.
Parents of children arriving in Ho Chi Minh City often worry most about this part of settling in: whether their child will be lonely, left out or unable to connect. This guide explains how friendships develop at different ages, the particular challenge facing second-language learners, the kinds of play that bridge the language gap, how teachers and parents can help, and what to do if your child is left out, or is the one leaving others out.
How young children make friends
In a classic study published in 1932, the American researcher Mildred Parten observed children in a nursery school and described categories of play that are still widely used: unoccupied behaviour, solitary play, onlooker behaviour, parallel play (playing beside another child with similar materials but without interaction), associative play (sharing materials and loosely interacting) and cooperative play (playing together towards a shared goal, such as a pretend shop). Later researchers have refined her work and shown that children of all ages move between these forms, but the broad trend towards more interactive play with age remains.
For a new child, these categories are a helpful map. A newcomer who stands watching others is not necessarily excluded; onlooker behaviour is a recognised and useful stage. A child who plays with blocks next to another child is taking part in parallel play, which often precedes more active cooperation. Seen this way, early social behaviour that looks lonely may be a normal step.
Friendship itself also changes with age. Toddlers show preferences for particular children, often those they see most and play beside regularly. By four and five, children talk about best friends, include and exclude, and form small groups. Language matters more for these older friendships, but it is not the only way in.
The double bind of the second-language learner
Patton Tabors, studying young children learning English in an American preschool, described a challenge she called the double bind. To learn a language, a child needs to spend time with children who speak it; to be accepted into those children's play, the child needs to speak the language. The new child faces both problems at once.
Children resolve the double bind in different ways. Some attach themselves to one child who speaks their home language, which provides comfort but can limit contact with others. Some stay close to adults for a while, using teachers as a bridge. Many find their way in through play that needs few words, copying others, offering a toy or joining a chase.
In a bilingual Vietnamese–English class, the double bind can be layered: the playground language among classmates may be Vietnamese while the teacher uses English for parts of the day. An international child might find English-speaking adults easier at first and Vietnamese-speaking children harder to approach, or the reverse. Over weeks and months, as they pick up phrases from both languages, these barriers usually lower.
Tabors also observed that newcomers often use a few powerful phrases to get into play, such as “me too”, “look” or a classmate's name. These small formulas let a child take part long before they can build sentences. Teaching your child a handful of such phrases in each classroom language can give them a head start.
Play that works without words
Some kinds of play are especially welcoming to children who do not share a language, because the rules are visible and the fun is physical:
- Running and chasing games, where the rules are learned by watching and laughing.
- Sand, water and mud play, where children pour, dig and fill side by side and then together.
- Building with blocks or construction toys, where children can add to a shared tower without discussion.
- Pretend cooking, shops or families, where gestures and objects carry the story.
- Music, dancing and movement games, where everyone copies the same actions.
- Ball games with simple turns, such as rolling a ball back and forth.
- Art activities at a shared table, where children watch and borrow each other's ideas.
Parents can practise some of these at home and in parks, particularly turn-taking and joining in. A child who knows how to roll a ball back and offer a cup in pretend play has social tools that work in any language.
Physical play has another advantage in the first weeks: it is fun in itself, so children approach it with enthusiasm rather than caution. Many friendships begin at the sand tray or during a chase, simply because two children found themselves enjoying the same thing at the same moment.
How teachers can bridge the gap
Pairing children. Many teachers pair a newcomer with a friendly, confident classmate for routines such as lining up, washing hands or walking to lunch. Repeated small moments together often grow into play. Ask whether your child has been paired with anyone.
Giving the newcomer a role. Handing out cups, holding the door or choosing the next song gives a new child a way to be seen and valued without needing language.
Small groups. Activities in groups of two to four are easier for a new child to join than a whole-class game. Teachers who organise small-group play give newcomers more chances to connect.
Using the child's home language. A few words or a song from the newcomer's language can spark curiosity among classmates and make the new child interesting rather than different.
Narrating play. Teachers who describe what children are doing, such as “you are both building a tall tower”, help children notice each other and give everyone shared words.
Watching for exclusion. Good teachers notice when a child is repeatedly left out and step in gently, for example by joining a game with the child and then stepping back.
Keeping parents informed. Teachers who mention a budding friendship at pick-up, or the name of a child your child played with, give parents the information they need to support the friendship outside school.
Playdates and friendships outside school
Friendships at preschool often grow faster when children also see each other outside school. Inviting a classmate to a park, a playground or your home for an hour can turn a familiar face into a friend. One child at a time is usually easier than a group, especially for a child still learning the classroom languages.
In a bilingual class, many classmates may come from Vietnamese families, and their parents may speak limited English. That should not be a barrier. A short message through the teacher, or a friendly conversation at pick-up with a few words and smiles, is often enough to arrange a meeting. Choose a simple, neutral place, such as a playground, where the children can run and the parents do not need to talk much.
Keep expectations modest. Young children may play together happily for twenty minutes and then drift apart; that still counts. What matters is that your child arrives at school the next day with one more familiar face. Over time, those small connections become the basis of real friendships.
If your child is invited to a classmate's birthday party or family outing, accepting where you can is worthwhile, even if the event feels unfamiliar. These occasions help families get to know each other, and children often find it easier to play with a classmate once they have met in a relaxed setting outside school.
What to expect at each age
Children vary widely, but these broad patterns help you set realistic expectations for your child's social life in the first months.
| Age | Typical social play | What a newcomer may do | How parents can help |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1–2 years | Mostly solitary and parallel play, interest in other children | Watch others, play beside them, stay close to adults | Visit playgrounds, model simple sharing |
| 2–3 years | More parallel and some associative play, simple preferences for playmates | Copy others, join chasing or sand play | Short playdates with one child |
| 3–4 years | Associative and early cooperative play, first named friends | Join games with few rules, use gestures and set phrases | Practise turn-taking, invite a classmate |
| 4–6 years | Cooperative play, small groups, best friends, some exclusion | May feel left out of word-heavy games for a while | Support a few steady friendships, talk about feelings |
A child who is quieter socially at first is not necessarily unhappy. Many cautious children make one or two close friends rather than many acquaintances, and that is a perfectly good outcome.
Ask the teachers who your child plays with most, and what they play. Their answers often reveal friendships your child has not mentioned at home.
Building social confidence at home
Parents can do a lot outside school to give a child social tools that travel across languages. Simple games at home that involve taking turns, waiting, winning and losing gracefully build the skills a child uses in the playground. Pretend play with soft toys, acting out greetings, sharing and asking to join, lets a child rehearse social moments in a safe setting.
Visits to public playgrounds and parks in the city offer low-pressure practice with children your child does not know. Stay nearby, let your child watch for a while, and resist the urge to push them into a group. Many cautious children join in only after a long period of watching, and that is a strategy rather than a failure.
Talking about feelings helps too. Picture books about friendship, being new or feeling shy, read in your home language, give children words for experiences they may be having at school. You can then ask gently whether anything in the story feels like their own day.
Finally, notice and praise effort rather than outcome: “you gave her the bucket, that was kind” or “you waited for your turn”. Children who feel their attempts are seen tend to keep trying.
When your child is left out, or leaves others out
At some point, most children experience being left out of a game, and older preschoolers in particular can be openly exclusive: “you can't play with us”. For a newcomer, this can hurt, and parents often feel it keenly. Listen to your child's feelings, acknowledge them and help them think of what to do next time, such as asking a different child, joining a different game or asking a teacher for help.
If your child is repeatedly excluded, or describes being hurt or teased, talk to the teachers. They can watch for patterns and support more inclusive play. Avoid assuming the worst about other children; exclusion at this age is often about group dynamics or language rather than unkindness.
Equally, your child may be the one leaving others out, perhaps by clinging to one friend who shares their language or by excluding children who speak differently. Gently encourage kindness and openness, praise inclusive behaviour, and work with teachers to widen your child's circle. Learning to include others is an important skill in a diverse classroom, for international and Vietnamese children alike.
Câu hỏi thường gặp
Is it bad if my child only plays with one friend who speaks our language?
A friend who shares your language can be a great comfort during settling in. Over time, it helps to widen your child's circle so they also connect with other classmates and practise the classroom languages. Teachers can support this gently, for example by organising small groups that mix children.
My child says nobody plays with them. What should I do?
Listen calmly and ask specific questions about the day. Then talk to the teachers, who can tell you what they observe. Often the picture is more mixed than a tired child's summary. If your child is genuinely isolated, teachers can help by pairing children or organising small-group activities.
Should I teach my child phrases for joining in play?
Yes, a few simple phrases in the classroom languages can help, such as asking to play, offering a toy or saying “my turn”. Practise them in a playful way at home. Gestures, such as holding out a toy or smiling, are just as important at this age.
How can I arrange playdates if the other parents do not speak English?
Keep it simple. A friendly greeting at pick-up, a short message through the teacher if the school allows it, or using a translation app for a brief note can work. Choose a playground or park, where children can play without much talk between adults.
Is it normal for my child to have different friends every week?
Yes, especially for younger preschoolers. Friendships at this age are often fluid, based on who is playing with what. More stable friendships tend to appear around four or five. Changing playmates is a normal part of social development.
Will my child be accepted if they look or sound different from classmates?
Young children notice differences, but they are usually curious rather than hostile, especially when adults model openness. Teachers who celebrate the different languages and backgrounds in the class help children see variety as normal. If your child experiences teasing, raise it with the teachers promptly.