Vietnamese preschool teachers are usually addressed as co, for a woman, or thay, for a man, and the relationship works best when parents combine warmth with visible respect: a greeting at drop-off, a calm tone, praise in public and concerns raised privately, gently and with a suggestion rather than a complaint. None of this is very different from good manners anywhere, but the weight given to courtesy, hierarchy and saving face is greater, and small habits that seem neutral in other cultures can land differently here.
This guide explains how to address teachers, the gestures that signal respect, how directness and indirectness play out in daily conversation, and a step-by-step way to raise a concern so that it leads to a change rather than a defensive reaction. It is written for international parents at bilingual preschools, where children are often taught by both Vietnamese and foreign staff, and where misunderstandings tend to come from style rather than intention.
Co, thay and the way Vietnamese addresses people
Vietnamese does not have a single word for "you". People address each other with kinship terms that reflect age and relationship: anh for an older brother or a man slightly older than you, chi for an older sister, em for someone younger, co and chu for aunts and uncles, and so on. In schools, co is the word for a female teacher and thay for a male teacher, and both carry a sense of respect that goes beyond the job title.
Children call their teacher co or thay and refer to themselves as con, the word for a child in relation to a parent. You will hear this all day at preschool. Parents, for their part, often address a young teacher as co in front of the children and sometimes as em, the younger-person form, in private conversation if the teacher is much younger. Many international parents simply use co or thay with the teacher's first name, as in "Co Lan", which is always correct and polite.
Vietnamese names place the family name first and the given name last, and people are addressed by the given name. A teacher called Nguyen Thi Lan is Co Lan, not Co Nguyen. If you are unsure of a teacher's name or the right form, ask; Vietnamese people are generally pleased when a foreigner makes the effort. Foreign teachers at the school are usually addressed as Teacher followed by their first name, or Mr and Ms, depending on the school's convention.
Small gestures that signal respect
Greet first, and greet the child's teacher by name. A simple "chao co" or "good morning, Co Lan" at drop-off sets the tone for the day. Vietnamese families teach children to greet adults first, and parents who do the same are noticed.
Use both hands to give and receive. When handing over a form, a bag of spare clothes or a gift, using both hands, or the right hand supported by the left, is a quiet sign of respect. It matters most with older staff.
Teach your child the folded-arms greeting. Many Vietnamese preschoolers greet teachers with arms folded across the chest and a small bow. Your child will probably learn it at school; doing it at home too shows you value it.
Keep your voice even. Raised voices, sharp gestures and visible irritation in front of other people cause great discomfort. Even when something has gone wrong, a calm tone protects the relationship.
Respect the teacher's time. Drop-off and pick-up are busy. Save long conversations for a message in the parent app or a short meeting, and keep the gate for greetings and quick updates.
Dress neatly for school events. You do not need formal clothes, but very casual beachwear at a school performance or meeting can be read as a lack of seriousness, especially by older staff.
Direct and indirect: reading everyday conversations
Vietnamese communication often relies on context and politeness more than on blunt statements. These are common moments where international parents can misread what is happening.
| What you hear or see | What it may mean | A helpful response |
|---|---|---|
| "Yes" or "da" while you are explaining something | Often "I am listening", not "I agree" | Ask a clear follow-up: "So what will happen tomorrow?" |
| "We will try" or "we will see" | A polite way of signalling difficulty | Ask what would make it easier, or whether there is an alternative |
| A smile or laugh when something has gone wrong | Embarrassment or a wish to soften tension, not amusement | Stay calm; move to what happens next |
| Your child described as "a bit active" or "very strong" | A gentle way of saying behaviour is hard to manage | Ask for a specific example and what helps at school |
| A comment that your child has "gained weight" | Usually affectionate, not a criticism | Smile and thank them; it is meant kindly |
| No reply to a sharp message | Discomfort, or waiting for the manager to answer | Follow up calmly or ask for a short meeting |
These are tendencies, not rules. Many young Vietnamese teachers, especially in international and bilingual schools, are comfortable with direct conversation. But when a reply seems vague, it usually helps to assume politeness rather than evasion and to ask a gentle, concrete question.
Raising a concern: a five-step approach that works
Every parent sooner or later has something to raise: a bump, a missing jumper, a change in their child's mood, a worry about how a situation was handled. Handled well, these conversations usually strengthen the relationship.
- Choose the channel and the moment. Use the parent app or ask for a short meeting rather than raising it at the gate in front of other parents. Public criticism causes loss of face for the teacher and makes a defensive reaction more likely.
- Start with something positive and true. "My son loves story time with you" or "Thank you for helping her settle" is not flattery; it frames the conversation as shared care for the child.
- Describe what you saw, not what you think it means. "He has come home with a scratch on his arm twice this week" leads to a better conversation than "nobody is watching him".
- Ask before suggesting. "Do you know what happened?" and "What do you think would help?" give the teacher room to explain and to propose a solution, which they are more likely to carry out.
- Agree a small next step and follow up. Confirm in a short message what was agreed, and check back after a week. If nothing changes, take it to the school management, calmly and with the same facts.
If the concern involves your child's safety or wellbeing, such as an injury that was not reported or a worry about how a child was treated, go to the management straight away. Courtesy matters, but it never outranks a child's safety, and a good school will want to know.
Foreign teachers and Vietnamese teachers: different styles in one classroom
In a bilingual preschool, your child may spend part of the day with a foreign teacher and part with Vietnamese teachers and caregivers. They may communicate with you differently. A foreign teacher may give more direct feedback, use first names and talk about your child's individual personality; a Vietnamese teacher may focus more on eating, sleeping and behaviour within the group, and phrase difficulties more gently.
Both styles are valuable, and good schools make sure the two sides of the team share what they see. As a parent, it helps to speak to both. Vietnamese caregivers often spend the most hours with young children, especially around meals, naps and toileting, and they notice things a teacher who leads a shorter session may miss. Greeting them by name and asking them directly how your child ate or slept is both polite and useful.
If you speak only English, you may find yourself talking mostly to the foreign teacher and missing the Vietnamese staff. Learning a few phrases, or asking the school whether a bilingual staff member can join a short meeting, closes that gap. Many international families find that once they make this effort, the Vietnamese team opens up and shares much more.
When care styles differ: talking about it without offence
Warm clothes in the air conditioning. Vietnamese caregivers often worry about children getting cold, especially after a nap or under a fan, and may add a jumper or socks that you would not. If your child overheats, explain it as your child's particular need, "she gets very hot and sweaty", rather than as a disagreement about what is right.
Feeding and finishing the bowl. Many Vietnamese adults see a child who eats well as a child who is cared for, and teachers may spoon-feed or encourage another mouthful. If you are trying to build independent eating at home, tell the teacher what you are working on and ask how the school can support it, instead of asking them to stop.
Affection and physical care. Vietnamese caregivers tend to be physically affectionate with small children, carrying them, stroking their hair or holding their hand. Most families welcome it. If your child dislikes being picked up, say so simply, and the staff will usually adapt.
Comments on appearance. Remarks on a child's weight, skin or hair are common and are generally meant kindly. If a comment bothers you, especially in front of your child, a gentle redirect, "we try not to talk about her body in front of her", is understood.
Discipline. Expectations about obedience and group behaviour can be firmer than some families are used to. If you see something you are unsure about, ask the teacher how they handle that situation and why, before drawing conclusions, and raise any real concern with management.
Hierarchy at school: when to go to the teacher and when to the office
Vietnamese organisations tend to have clear lines of seniority, and schools are no exception. Class teachers are responsible for daily care, the head teacher or principal for decisions about policy, staffing and serious incidents, and the office or admissions team for fees, forms and timetables. Going straight to the top for a small daily matter can embarrass the class teacher, while asking the class teacher to decide something only management can approve puts them in an awkward position.
A simple rule helps: daily care and your child's experience go to the class teacher first; anything involving money, contracts, safety incidents or a change of class goes to the office or management. When you are unsure, ask the teacher, "Is this something you can decide, or should I ask the office?" Teachers usually appreciate the question.
When you do escalate, do it openly. Telling the teacher that you will also mention a concern to the management, and why, keeps trust intact. Escalating behind a teacher's back, especially if they hear about it from colleagues, can damage a relationship that matters for your child every day.
The same applies in reverse when things go well. Praise for a teacher passed on to the principal, in a short message or at a parent meeting, raises that teacher in the eyes of the school, and it is one of the most generous things an international parent can do within a hierarchical culture.
Câu hỏi thường gặp
What should I call my child's Vietnamese teacher?
Use co for a female teacher and thay for a male teacher, followed by the given name, which is the last part of a Vietnamese name. Co Lan or Thay Minh is always polite. If you are unsure of the name or pronunciation, simply ask.
Is it rude to give direct feedback to a Vietnamese teacher?
Not if it is delivered privately and calmly. Problems usually come from criticism in public or a sharp tone, which causes loss of face. Start with something positive, describe what you saw, ask for the teacher's view and agree a next step.
Why does the teacher say yes but nothing changes?
In Vietnamese, da or yes often means "I hear you" rather than "I agree and will do it". After a conversation, confirm in a short message what will happen and when, and check back. If nothing changes, raise it calmly with the management.
Should I bow to my child's teacher?
Adults do not usually bow to teachers in Vietnam. A smile, a greeting and a slight nod are enough. Children, however, are often taught to greet with folded arms and a small bow, and teachers appreciate parents who encourage it.
Is it acceptable to message a teacher in the evening?
Many teachers receive messages after hours through the parent app or messaging apps, but they are not always expected to reply. Keep evening messages brief and non-urgent, and use the school's official channel for anything important.
Do Vietnamese teachers expect gifts in return for good care?
No. Gifts are linked to occasions such as Teachers' Day and Tet, and many schools limit them. Respect, a calm tone and a word of thanks when things go well matter far more to teachers than any gift.